Bat Blurbs
by TekeoMiona
Summary: I think an idea, I throw it on paper, and it ends up here. Mostly silly, random, and possibly confusing. Will take suggestions. (takes place mostly in The Batman, with Dick as Robin; I don't know the other Robins, so no, I won't write them)
1. A Thanksgiving Catastrophe

**OMCHEESE TREMORS GIRL MADE A BATMAN! Hush. I love these idiots. Sassy Alfred gives me life. Enjoy the small blurb, and I may make more.**

**I thought this up last night as I was tryin' to fall asleep (my mind overwhelmed with all the crap going on in the world and especially Ferguson, I mean really). It amused me, so I decided to write it down today (with some changes, but shh, you don't know that).**

**Also, I'm not really all that into Thanksgiving (I've had conflicted feelings about it since I was a kid, ever since I learned about what happened to the natives. like, I get why it started, but why keep doing it? I don't get it). But it's still fun to write about the weirdness that happens. Or can happen. Or that we quill-brandishing creepers make happen.**

***Edit* Oh, and if you Jangus is readin' this: I know, I know. I'm workin' on it. El Blanco ate my brain, what can ya do?**

**EDIT EDIT: This was a separate story, but then I changed it to Bat Blurbs since there is more, so yeah. All that juicy details is in the next chapter, 'cause I-...just, I, never mind, just read.**

***DISCLAIMER* I do not own the show The Batman or its characters. They are the property of DC. I make no profit from this writing.**

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><p><em><strong>Bruce returns home to murder and mayhem. No humans were harmed in the making of this story (also, do not ask me who Joey is, I don't know).<strong>_

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><p><strong><span>A Thanksgiving Catastrophe<span>**

It was a quiet day at the Wayne Manor. Dick was home from school for Thanksgiving and helping Alfred prepare their feast. Bruce had gone to pick up his old friend, Joey, from the airport, who he hadn't seen in several years. He was looking forward to catching up.

In the kitchen, Dick and Alfred were nearing the end of their preparation. They had nearly every traditional Thanksgiving food there was; turkey, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, stuffing, green bean casserole, corn on the cob, candied yams.

Alfred was currently putting the final touches on the turkey while Dick worked on the potatoes. Too short to properly reach from the floor, he was kneeling on the edge of the island, struggling with the mixer. Grunting in frustration, he gripped the handle with both hands, plopped the beaters into the potatoes, and used both his thumbs to wrestle the switch over. Alfred cast a glance at him.

"Is that thing stuck again?"

"Yes," Dick hissed, his teeth gritted with exertion. "It won't-!"

The switch finally moved, shooting up to the highest speed. The bowl exploded and Dick fell back off the island with a scream.

The cry echoed through the house, greeting Bruce's ears as he stepped inside. He froze for a second, exchanging a puzzled and worried glance with his friend. Alfred's horrified shout followed, along with the sound of crashing and banging. Bruce and Joe raced towards the kitchen, Bruce running through a list of villains who could've figured out where he lived.

Silence fell just moments before he reached the kitchen door. He skidded to a stop, Joey nearly colliding with his back. They both stared at the wrecked room with wide eyes.

Potato chunks, cranberry sauce, green beans, and what Bruce hoped was gravy covered the walls, counters, cabinets, ceiling, and the two frozen figures. Most of the food had been knocked off, the pumpkin pie just barely clinging to the edge of the island. Dick was knelt beneath it among fallen bowls of food, clutching the mixer tightly, as if he was afraid it would run. Alfred stood on the other side, holding the plug in his hand and looking frazzled.

Bruce looked slowly between them, unable to find the words to ask what on earth had happened. After several tense moments, Alfred cleared his throat, drawing himself up and trying to regain his usual calm demeanor.

"It would seem we are in need of another mixer, sir," he said. The moment of quiet was broken by the pie falling and landing squarely on Dick's head, who still crouched frozen on the floor. Alfred stared at the empty spot the pie had been before looking back at Bruce. "And…perhaps we could eat out tonight?"

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><p><strong>Lemme know how ya like it! And shout out if you would like me to dabble more into this fandom.<strong>


	2. The Cigarette Pack

**I feel my writing here SUCKS, but I wasn't really trying to be good or anything, just randomly writing. I need to empty my backed-up brain on things not worm related.**

**Anywho, I stole this from- well, okay, I didn't steal THIS, I stole a prompt idea involving M&M's were cigs should be. And THIS happened. Enjoy. Ending fails, but meh.**

**Oh yeah, and this whole "story" is many random ideas of Bats. If you have any silly flomps, send 'em my way. I shall maybe make something of them.**

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><p><em><strong>Dick gets mighty confused about some stuff. As does O'Hara, but for very different reasons.<strong>_

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><p><span><strong>The Cigarette Pack<strong>

It started out innocently enough. A sudden notice of small inconsistencies. Commissioner Gordon had been a smoker for years, and always had a package of cigarettes on him. It was a known and accepted fact. Robin had never thought much about it whenever he and Batman were in his office or standing next to him. But when Dick and Bruce were invited over to the commissioner's house for dinner one day, Dick realized something.

Where was the smell? The house didn't have even the faintest lingering smell of cigarette smoke. And thinking back, Dick realized the office didn't either, nor Gordon. And they never had. But how could a man smoke and not smell?

He brought it up to Bruce when they left, wondering. Bruce simply said it wasn't their business. Which was true. What the commissioner did or didn't do with his lungs was his choice. So for a while, Dick forgot.

And then Joker tried to blackmail him and Robin was forced to take the commissioner and his family to a safe house for a few days while Batman hunted down the insane criminal. It was a trying and stressful time, most of all for Gordon. Yet not once did Robin see him reach for a smoke. And he realized that he had never actually seen the man with a cigarette in his hand. And again he began to wonder.

He tried to time it right. Waited until everyone had gone to bed. Made sure Bruce was Bruce and done with his nightly patrol. Double checked the guard rounds at the station.

It was nearly midnight when Robin swung down to the window of the commissioner's office. He pried open the frame quietly and slipped inside. Pausing for a moment to make sure no one had heard him, he hurried over to Gordon's desk. The man always had an extra pack in the top drawer, something Robin had noticed long ago.

The pack was sitting right at the front. It was old and slightly worn, but in good condition. Robin picked it up carefully. It rattled, as if it were filled with beans or something besides cigarettes. He opened the top slowly, almost afraid of what he might find.

"Hey!"

The guard's shout startled the colourful hero and he jumped, the box's contents flying into the air and raining down on him. The guard – Chief O'Hara, actually – paused in surprise at the odd shower. His surprise grew when he took in the familiar black and yellow cape, red shirt, and dark green leggings.

"Robin? What on earth are you doin' here, sneakin' around the commissioner's office?!"

"M&M's," Robin murmured quietly. O'Hara frowned in confusion. "It was M&M's. Always M&M's."

The officer followed the boy's gaze to the floor, now littered with candy. "Boy Wonder, are you alright?"

Robin raised his stare. "M&M's…" He stood silently for a few more moments before suddenly disappearing out the window.

"Oi!" O'Hara raced after him, staring out at the sleepy city for any sign of the teen vigilante. Fruitless, he turned back to the office and the candy still scattered across the floor and the desk. He shook his head. "I knew such a young boy shouldn't be out solvin' crimes. Poor kid's snapped."


	3. Creepy Kids

_**-I wrote this like two days ago and uploaded it on my account but didn't post it fer some reason, but just remembered and figured I should do it now.**_

_**Also, seriously, this was pain, it wasn't writing, it was like pulling the words out with a dead hammer. Gah. Second piece (bunny courtesy of Phantom because I was dead) is underway and soooooo much better.-**_

**Okay so apparently I can't write. Want to, but can't. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? So here, have a shitty piece. There was a lot of "Creepy Shit Kids Say" things on tumblr the other night, I thought I'd give Bruce one of those moments with Dick.**

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><p><span><strong>Creepy Kids<strong>

The funeral had been for the uncle of one of Bruce's friends. A good man, if a little strange. A lot strange, really. Bruce had only met him once, but it had made quite an impression. Uncle Greggor, as his family called him, was anti-social hermit that lived on his own spot of land and enjoyed butchering his own food with an ax that he always had strapped to his belt. He stared disturbingly at everything and didn't own a single blood-stained free item of clothing, but he would make cookies for visiting family in a heartbeat and talk animatedly in any conversation.

After the service, Bruce invited his friend and parents to his mansion for tea and catching up. They took to Dick immediately, and the next two hours were filled with laughter and stories.

When it came time for them to head back home, Bruce and Dick stood at the door and waved them on their way.

"Well, that was nice," Bruce said with a smile. He hadn't talked to his friend in ages and it had been nice to catch up.

"Yeah, but the bloody guy with the ax was kinda creepy. I hope he makes it out of their trunk okay," Dick mused rather matter-of-factly before bouncing off to pester Alfred about supper.

It took Bruce several moments to process that. It took a few more before he darted back inside for the phone.

Children could be terrifying sometimes.


End file.
